Stray Dog Revolution
My third day of not seeing myself reflected back at me is coming to an end, and not much is different. It's more a minor inconvenience than anything else. I mean, asking my 8 year old if I'm presentable before I go out to the store is somewhat risky... especially when she laughs an evil laugh as I walk away. But I saw this quote on Pinterest today, and it got me thinking about something.
If this is true, that your perception of me is a reflection of you, then when I'm staring back at myself in the mirror and noticing only the flaws, only the things I want to change, only the parts I'm unhappy with, isn't this more a reflection of my own state of mind? The answer is a resounding yes. And I know I have body issues. Honestly, if you're a female, I'm guessing you do, too. Hell, if you're a male you also may very well have issues around your appearance. But no matter how deep I understand this, no matter how thoroughly I understand the causes intellectually, after 42 years I still see someone I don't want to be when I stare in the mirror.
And it's not that this keeps me up at night. I still function pretty well in my day to day life. I accepted the fact that I'm never going to look like anyone other than me and I'm okay with that. (And it's not like I've never tried to fix this. I've done the affirmation thing, the writing on the mirror thing, the positive self-talk thing.. nothing ever really felt like it made much of a difference. And I felt pretty stupid doing it.) Still, I haven't ever been able to look at my reflection and see someone beautiful, fit, strong, capable. I mean, there have been moments. Photos that I like (but they're few and far between) and periods in my life where I look back and think I looked great. But in the moment? Never.
Which is, I suppose, why this challenge really matters. How do I perceive of myself when I'm not reflecting on my image? When all I have to go on is the picture in my head? So far? Not great. I find myself worried about my appearance, more so than normal. Especially before I go out of the house. I keep asking myself, "Why does it matter? No one's looking at you anyway."
I don't have any great answers yet. Or even insight. Maybe I will at the end of this challenge. Maybe not. I guess we'll see.